My “soft girl era” 🙌

Blooming into Ellie.

30 Aug

For most of my life, I didn’t even know there was such a thing as living in “masculine energy.” I just thought being in control, being the responsible one, and always holding everything together was who I was.

Looking back, I can see the pattern so clearly. I was the fixer. The mother hen. I always seemed to take on men with a million problems, and I made it my mission to hold everything together.

I used to ask myself, “Why do I always attract these problem people? Why do I always end up with the ones I feel I need to fix?”

I wasn’t the only one asking these questions. My parents used to wonder the same thing: “Is it you? What do you do to these men to make them react so badly, to treat you like such rubbish?”

Being neurodivergent added another layer of confusion. I’d never really felt like I was doing the right thing anyway. So again, the conclusion seemed obvious: I must be wrong.

On reflection, I think part of me believed I didn’t deserve someone who was already whole. Why would they want me? I wasn’t that attractive. I was a little emotionally broken myself. I didn’t have any confidence, and truthfully, that had been an issue since I was young. I grew up never really feeling good enough, never really believing I was worth choosing. So maybe that’s why I kept choosing the broken ones — because deep down, I thought they matched me.

And of course, that meant I always had to step into control. I became “the man” in the relationship — the strong, sensible one who wore the trousers.

Men would complain: “You’re such a control freak. What’s wrong with you? Why are you always nagging?”

The truth? It wasn’t that I wanted control. It was that I never felt safe enough to let it go. With those people, I couldn’t rest in my feminine energy. I was always in fight-or-flight. Always on guard. Always protecting myself.

I’ve had my fair share of drug addicts, alcoholics, and narcissists not always as partners but I attracted them like a magnet. But now I’ve learned how to put up barriers and boundaries, and how not to attract those people anymore. Yes, I can feel sorry for them. Yes, I can try to help them. But is it my job to fix them? No. I know I’m worth so much more than just living life to fix other people.

Maybe on reflection, helping to fix other people took time away from helping to fix myself. Maybe also on reflection, by looking at someone else in such a state, I felt a little superior. I felt like I was fixed and whole in comparison to them.

Since being alone, something has shifted. I’ve embraced what I call my soft girl era. And yes, I know the phrase sounds a little cliché, but it’s the truest way to describe what this season feels like.

I romanticize my own life now. I light candles just for me. I make my home beautiful just for me. I like to put on my pyjamas, get cosy, and read a book. I look after myself in the ways I used to want to nurture other people. I now want to nurture myself, and that’s a first for me.

And the biggest shift? I no longer live in that protective masculine energy, because there’s nothing to protect myself from anymore.

Of course, if I have to call upon that masculine energy, it’s still very much there. But it’s not where I have to live anymore. It’s not where I have to build a home.

I don’t know if I’ll ever truly know what it feels like to be in my feminine energy in a relationship. And maybe that’s not even what I want. I’m so happy in this place I’m at — confident, safe, and whole on my own. What excites me most now is helping others get here too: teaching them how to be confident, wholesome, whole people, ready to bloom in their own lives.

For me, softness isn’t weakness. It’s freedom. It’s safety. It’s finally feeling safe enough to bloom. 🌸